I posted on my Instagram asking if people would like an update and I was shocked at the people who said yes, so I felt it’s only right to do this. This is also my most viewed “series” on my blog for some reason so hopefully you enjoy this little update. It comes at a quite pivotal part of my diet journey, where I’m actually putting it into practice unlike before.
I just want to say that this isn’t the same for everyone and if you have not read my previous parts you may be very confused as to what is going on. I have something called PCOS, it means I struggle to lose weight and unfortunately my body clings onto the fat I’ve stored over the years.
Working out – Since 2021 began I’ve set myself some really good goals. I’ve been trying to work out for an hour plus a day and get myself out on walks a few times a week, it’s taken me a while to find workout videos I enjoy, and I often feel terrible when I can’t do moves but making moderations has definitely helped. There are often times of weakness when we are doing an exercise which consists of a lot of jumping and my boobs are whacking my chin and I feel weighted and, in those moments, I feel so insecure and I begin to debate whether this is genuinely worth it. I’ve realised that this isn’t going to be a quick and easy fix, it’s going to take me months to lose weight at the level I want to and especially when I’m having to carefully change moves as to not aggravate my already injured joints. I’ve learnt that whilst my wrists are not strong enough to hold my body in push ups, I am able to do wall push ups, and a lot of them which is a shock. I’ve began to incorporate more cardio into my workouts by playing just dance on my switch daily, it’s a shock how much I love it and how fun I find it. I genuinely recommend using just dance or other dance workouts, they are so much fun, and you forget that you are doing it to lose weight.
General exercise – I’ve been going on walks more frequently and tracking them, I’ve actually found myself frustrated when I haven’t done the full 5k as the walk into town and back is 4.7k. I find myself needing taxis and other modes of transport much less and I genuinely enjoy getting the fresh air, even when the temperature is ridiculously low. Maybe without the ice as the bruise on my knee from my fall on the ice is still purple. I’ve not been able to go swimming and whilst I still want to get back into that, I think to make myself comfortable that is going to be a long-term goal. I need to feel comfortable enough to get into a swimming costume before I actually get in one unfortunately. I think that’s a Dundee goal, when I’m finally settled in maybe I can make my way back into a leisure centre without being terrified that people are going to judge me.
Diet – In my last post I told you that I stopped dieting and the truth is I thought that would bring me happiness but instead I felt worse watching my figure maintain/balloon. Since 2021 began I’ve been trying to keep an eye on my diet, I’ve been eating a lot of vegetables. My fridge is literally full of vegetables, something that through my course of university has never happened before. I’m finally understanding the point of calorie deficits and understanding that to lose weight I don’t need to restrict myself. I don’t need to not eat sugars, or anything unhealthy I just need to moderate those that I put into my body. I don’t eat perfectly, for instance my breakfast was 600 calories today, but it was a healthy fry up. I’ve swapped bacon for turkey bacon; I’ve swapped my favourite pork and apple sausages for skinless ones and I’ve began adding vegetables to balance the plate out and keep me full for longer. I fill up on a good hearty breakfast and find myself needing smaller lunches and dinners, it has its benefits. If I want an ice cream in the evening, I allow myself to have one, dieting shouldn’t be able making yourself miserable. I’m making slow changes and beginning to cut a lot of meat out of my diet, I’ve began finding alternatives which are both tasty but also filling which is my biggest problem finding foods that stop me from wanting snacks. So, it is official that I’ll be attempting to become pescatarian in February, though I don’t believe it’ll stick I’ll be proud of myself to cut meat for a full month and hopefully it’ll introduce me to a lot of different types of food I don’t necessarily grab in the shops.
Alcohol – I didn’t write this in my previous post. I’ve been trying to find the words to write a post on alcohol for so long and I hope that by writing a short paragraph on it that I can find the truth to write the post. I had my first drink away from my parents when I was 13 or 14 and I remember hating it. I thought there is no way I will ever be one of those people who relies on alcohol and yet 8/9 years later here we are. I used alcohol as a coping mechanism especially through university, it gave me confidence and if I was slightly upset, I knew I’d find happiness in the bottom of a bottle of malibu. I’m so sorry to my family especially my parents for having to read this, my parents spotted it getting out of hand and it did. Now I don’t want to go into too much detail because this post isn’t about this but I’m on a journey to enjoying life without alcohol. It’s scary because it’s the only coping mechanism I have had through my post-18 years, but I genuinely know how it is affecting my body and once you know that there’s no looking back. I was so proud of myself for doing a week without alcohol and when I told someone they laughed, the thing is though I don’t think anyone knew how bad it got. Without the mental problems that alcohol has cost me, it’s also highly calorific and I’ve seen the change in my body since I began binge-drinking. I used to have a flat stomach; I’d bloat but that would be after a huge meal. Now I wouldn’t know what bloating was, I’m constantly bloated. Like a whale. 2021 is the year I get my alcohol usage sorted; I don’t want to binge drink. I don’t want to cut alcohol for good because in some circumstances it is harmless but if I keep continuing the way I am I will have to go fully sober for the rest of my life.
Weight loss for me has always seemed like a chore, I began trying to lose weight at a time in my life when I was already quite skinny and so I wasn’t seeing any benefits. I believe had I began using weights I would’ve been in a position to tone up and perhaps I would’ve been too proud to have gained the weight the way I have. We’ll never know though; I hate the fact that I look back on photos from when I was 18 and at the time, I thought I looked so obese and my ribs poked through my skin. I don’t want to lose weight to get back to feeling fat in a body which definitely isn’t. I want to feel comfortable and happy in the body I have and own.
I’ve recently accepted that to be at a happy weight I would have to lose 25/30 kilos in a very short amount of time, but I want to do this healthily. I know the methods of doing it unhealthily and I was terrified that when I saw the weight not dramatically decrease quickly, I’d go back to old ‘friends’, but so far so good. Last week I lost 3 kilos something that I wasn’t necessarily proud of until someone told me that losing that sort of weight in a week isn’t completely natural. I’ve been making changes to my diet and working out, being more active and I’m definitely seeing a change in my mindset. I wake up in a much happier mood and though I’m stressed and shattered that is the fault of my university work. I finally feel like I’m doing something good for myself and not for someone else- something I’ve recently felt like a lot of decisions I’ve made have been about.
My whole youth went to making decisions that would benefit someone other than myself, it was always how could I please them and never will I be happy. I’ve seen a lot of TikTok’s of people debunking weight loss and explaining that it won’t make you happy and at times I feel that really impacts me. Then I remember how depressed my body makes me, how losing weight will allow me to wear clothes I want to and hopefully will shrink my boobs. HOPEFULLY. Not everyone needs to be slim to feel happy and I understand that, personally I need it. I’ve let myself go and I’m terrified of the health impact in later life if I don’t start working this out now. I want to be in a position where I can fit into clothes that I never thought would fit me again, I want to be able to lose weight love my body and then eventually (sorry parents) get my skin tattooed.
My weight loss journey is not going to be short; I’ve set myself short term goals which I am definitely too insecure to write on here as it includes the current weight I am. I’ll do it though, writing my goals and journey has made sure of one thing- I can’t chicken out. I can’t though because each of these posts gets enough views to force me into continuing, and it is of course a good point to say that I want to continue so that does in fact help.
I’ve noticed this post is getting quite long and so I’m going to swiftly conclude with the following sentences. Losing weight isn’t a fix, it isn’t going to make you happy. Happiness isn’t consistent, no one is happy all the time. I could end up losing all that weight and continuing to be depressed and miserable, however that would be my own fault. The next 6-12 months it takes me to get to my weight goal is ridiculously important, it’s not only about losing the weight but losing the negative mindset. Looking after myself, promising myself better, being the best version of myself. I tend to hold myself back, this is going to teach me not to. I deserve to be happy.
I don’t have any photos to post here like I usually would because the last video I took of my body genuinely broke me. I’ve got the photos to watch my progress, I hope that you enjoyed todays post because I enjoyed writing it. Look after yourself kiddos.