the small victories

Tw: weight loss talk

Hey everyone,

I’ve been wanting to make a return to this for so long and yet everything I’ve wrote hasn’t explained why I’ve been so absent.

Until I’m able to put into words what the past few months have been like I want to share some happy things, some things that have made the last few months bearable and given me reason to continue to enjoy life.

I’ve written before to explain how my birthday makes me feel, I’m terrified of being old and my feelings of inadequacy multiplying as the age increases. I worked so hard to prove to myself that I deserve to be doing my PhD and yet I see my friends and other peers from school thriving in jobs and I think am I a step behind where I should be?

My twenty-third birthday brought inevitable tears, I once again woke up and had to speak to my friends and family through FaceTime rather than in person and it was incredible. I cried, but we I’ve said before that is an annual occurrence and then I went about my day. I tried to flush out the bad thoughts and feelings of failure, and spent my evening laughing over a takeaway with my friends on FaceTime- reminding myself that distance (as cliché as it is) does indeed make the heart grow fonder.

That weekend I celebrated mine and my friends birthday with a small party, considering the last party I threw (my 21st) my anxiety was thriving. Though excited I was expecting the worst and thought that my nerves would keep me from having some drinks and enjoying my night. I couldn’t have been more wrong if I tried, my 23rd birthday party was one of my favourite birthdays. That night (into early morning) was full of laughs and genuine love; moving to Dundee was one of the scariest things I’ve ever done and that night proved it was the correct decision.

A few days later I passed my driving test, I’ve officially been driving for almost two months since then. Every single fear I had about myself behind the wheel has evaporated and I’ve found a new LOVE for driving, though I must admit I am still known for driving over the curb occasionally.

February flew by and my mental health declined to the point where I didn’t recognize myself, I left weeks loads of dishes and when I’m finally able to speak I want to describe how I got myself out of it.

My friendships have only gotten stronger and though I have waves of anxiety that those who continue to spend their time around me do indeed hate me (I know it sounds so silly), I can’t believe how lucky I have been.

I got a new job and left the nightclub after almost 7 months, I’m still attempting a mend on my sleeping pattern but I hope that it resolves itself very soon. Leaving the nightclub felt strange and I was scared with it my incredible friendships would dissipate, something which is yet to materialize.

I opened myself up more, and started thinking about a future where I could be content. A future where I don’t feel consistently depressed, and whilst I’m not exactly there yet I know I will get there eventually.

Today I hit the 16 kilo down mark. I have 11 kilos left to my goal weight- 10 months since the weight started decreasing. I’ve worked so hard and simultaneously I’ve worked so little, my body used to reject weight loss and now it’s all it knows. I’ve cut my diet and only eat necessarily, I’ve cut drinking unnecessarily and thanks to being a designated driver I’ve been able to protect my non-alcoholic nights.

My relationship with food is far from perfect and I struggle to gain the motivation to eat some days but I’ve been trying so hard to hit the minimum calories every single day. To lose weight healthily and not just in the way I know as easiest.

I’m currently at work, on my break writing this with the biggest grin on my face. I’ve waited 2 years to put on my old pair of levi’s and be able to sit, walk and stand in them comfortably. Today was the day I’ve waited so long for, I cried on the spot when the zipper went up. Seeing the numbers decline on a scale is only half the battle, but watching myself fit into clothes I love was everything to me.

The last few months have been horrific, between my ptsd being triggered by a sexual harassment case and the homesickness I’ve felt I’ve really struggled to find just one reason to continue. That being said I’ve not caused myself harm, and instead I’ve continued to thrive. I’m still a working progress and as I go home tonight to clear my depression pit of a room I’m finally feeling like myself again.

I’ll be back soon, with more. Please continue to thrive, to survive and to love. It’s international happiness day today, share that with someone. I know I’ll be sharing it with the ones I love most.

Love you all, see you soon x