Hi everyone,
Just like that the year has come to a close, tomorrow is New Years Eve and we’re finally seeing the end of 2021. 2021 has been a bittersweet year for myself and as it draws to a close I’m keen to reflect more than ever.
New Years Eve is usually a harrowing time for me, I’ve never had quite good luck and wishing the best for a better year seems moot as in my case it rarely does get better. I tend to be asleep before midnight, as to avoid the triggering sound of fireworks and because I truly believe being asleep at midnight holds off my bad luck for at least my birthday month (something which I’ve sadly proven to be true).
This year I was supposed to be in Scotland away from my family and work NYE in Dundee and I’d actually managed to become content around the idea for it to be cancelled due to Scotland’s new Covid measures. Instead I’m working it in London alongside my sister, hoping the shift isn’t as awful as I expect it shall be.
It’s very rare that the positives outweigh the negatives in a year for myself, and whilst I’m not 100% sure upon reflection where 2021 stands I’m in awe of how many positives there are on this list:
• I finished and passed (with merit) my MA in Working with Children, Adolescents and Families at the University of Cumbria.
• I began taking tablets to aid in weight loss, and upping my activity level.
• I had 3 jobs and increased my social circle.
• I moved to Dundee into my beautiful flat.
• I got two kittens, the light and bane of my existence- my comfort on dark and painful days.
• I made incredible friends which make me want to stay in Dundee.
• I got accepted onto a PhD in a field which I’ve always wanted to join.
• I spent more time with my family, though our time is less now I live so far away, I’ve made sure I can take time to be with them and be present.
• I travelled to Denmark and added another country to my goal of 30 countries before I turn 30.
• I began dating again (and subsequently stopped dating again).
• I began trauma therapy and started pushing myself into answering questions I’d previously ran away from.
• I combatted my alcohol addiction (as my previous post would say, I’ve got a long way to go).
That’s a lot to happen in one year. Especially in a year where we lost so much to coronavirus, but my story has never been one of rainbows and happiness and it’d be difficult to remember the year without it’s hardships:
• In April I sat and told my Dad I didn’t want to be alive anymore, that my journey was ended and everyone in my life was fine without me.
• I spent months alone in isolation in a city (Carlisle) pondering my existence, realizing more and more everyday how insignificant my life was.
• I worked in a really toxic environment (when I first moved to Dundee- not my current job) where I cried every shift, and allowed myself to be bullied by management.
• I pushed myself to the limit working in a nightclub despite knowing and understanding the true impact of my trauma – and whilst this was a positive in many ways it also led to some pretty dark moments.
• I battled the worst seasonal depression I’ve ever had and questioned my friendships, worth and strength more than I ever have before.
• I let my weight fluctuate knowing it’s growing numbers was not only weighing myself down but also my mental image of myself.
• I pushed myself so hard to get over my alcohol problem I forgot about the mental battle of an addiction, something I fear I’m far from overcoming.
• I lost all hope in my abilities and began to rethink my future in many ways, for instance am I clever enough for my PhD?
I’ve been struggling to finish this because recapping such a monumental year for myself has been mentally challenging. I’m so proud of the woman I have been and become this year, I’m growing and learning more and more about myself every single day. My journey is far from over, and as 2022 comes near I hope for as much happiness as seemingly possible and far less sadness and pain.
I wish all of you happiness and best wishes ahead of 2022, I hope you all have the greatest year and mentally challenge yourself.
I love you all, thank you for the year. 2022 I’ll try to be more present xxxx
More than a Diagnosis 