I’ve been gone over two months, I hope this little update gives you some sense of understanding into how tough the last two months have been.
My last post spoke about how overwhelmed I felt, I don’t think I did it justice just how underwater I was. I would cry everyday, I stopped eating properly and let my body break. I stopped speaking to friends in moments I needed them the most, I laughed and made ‘friends’ only to end up isolating them. My anxiety hit a new low and I went through a stage of barely making it out of bed, there was a point where in my kitchen fully stocked with 18 large plates I was reduced to no clean ones. I didn’t have time to clean and struggled to even hang out wash loads, so I just didn’t do them.
I watched the people closest to me judge me and make snide comments about my cleanliness when I was barely keeping it together. I battled through feelings I can’t even explain to this day, all whilst I wrote a dissertation on a topic which is so important to me. I gained closure like no other, and saw different perspectives to my own and it hurt like a motherf*cker. There were days where I’d read an article offering the opposite perspective to mine and I’d pick apart myself, I’d drag my own reactions and painful trauma through the mud because I know better now.
I realized how terrified I am to grow old, that every year flying past is another year closer to my death and even worse the death of my loved ones. My fear of loneliness grew, and with that my social anxiety thrived. I began a new job and still to this day I arrive half an hour before the start simply because my brain tells me if I walk in later than that I will simply pass away. I know how silly this all sounds, and I also know my friends are rolling their eyes at me calling this silly- but my brain works this way.
I’ve been called a ‘b*tch’ more times than I can count, I’ve listened to every insult under the sun come from customers in the previous two months. It doesn’t bother me, nothing anyone says will hurt more than my own opinion of myself. I used to look at myself in the mirror daily and find something new to compliment for a much needed confidence boost, yet the last few weeks this has felt like a chore.
The honest truth is I’m not thriving. I used to always say I’m surviving but not thriving and though it’s a fun play on words it was a way of admitting I was struggling without admitting that dark truth. Every day felt like I was getting further and further away from my ideal life and I didn’t know how to cope with it.
I know now though, the last 3 weeks has brought me so much love and genuine happiness. My depressive state is not over, yet relieved to have the people around me that I do. My family work tirelessly to help me get through my emotions, and my friends simply are the reason I am still here. I spent the whole of last year terrified to admit how lonely I was, it brought on my last suicidal thought bubble- the fact I believed my move to Dundee was my way of leaving the people who support me.
My move didn’t impact my friendships, friendships grow apart and people mature at different times and levels. I moved to get away from my trauma and though it still haunts me I have gotten away, I am better. My depression is still my baggage, it always will be, but it doesn’t drag me down as much. In a metaphorical way it finally has wheels and is able to flaunt across the smooth roads, whilst it still jumps about on the rough patches.
The last two months brought a lot of pain, but I also finished and found out I graduated from my postgrad- Pass with merit. I planned my PhD, and I continue to prepare for the greatest adventure of my life. I booked a holiday, helping me get to my 30 countries before 30 goal. I laughed with my friends, I laughed so much I’d cry and I also cried with my friends. I got a new job, which has led to an endless social life and I’m really happy.
6 months ago I sat and cried into my Dad’s arms telling him I was ready to die. That my friends and family were all thriving and I had no real reason to continue living through this pain, next month I begin trauma therapy surrounding sexual assault. I can gladly say I found purpose to remain alive once again, I hope it never gets to that stage again.
Thank you for everything, the support whilst I’ve been gone and allowing me to give my emotions meaning. I have a lot of content coming soon, an update on my weight loss and explanations for a lot of my trauma.
See you soon, thank you. Stay safe xxxxx