I’ve not really been great with typing recently, between beginning a new job and trying to make progress with my dissertation I’ve cried most days in the past month. My brain is working overtime just to make sure I get my stuff done as quick as possible, and as good as I know it can be. To be completely honest I’m burnt out, I have been for a while, and it’s been incredibly difficult to work through it as I am well aware I do not have time to not do my work.
I missed the one-year anniversary of this blog; it came up on my phone, but I was so busy I didn’t have time to put anything out. I just want to quickly reflect on my biggest achievements this year-
- I moved twice, including once to live completely alone (though even when I had a flatmate I basically lived alone).
- I returned to therapy, and though it wasn’t long I officially asked for specialist help and as I begin to move my medical records up to Dundee, I intend on re-joining the wait list for that help that I know I desperately need.
- I acknowledged my trauma, something I had been putting off for so long in an attempt to pretend it never happened. Acknowledging brought me both a lot of pain and peace, I’m still working through my fears, and I expect to be for a long time to come but I’m fortunate enough that I’m not doing it alone.
- I’ve admitted my mistakes, this past year has brought me so much closure and I’ve been able to fully close the book on so many chapters of my life, whether it be where I call home or friendships.
To be honest the past year has been incredible for me, whilst the struggles I’ve gone through have been some of the worst I’ve ever had I’ve also proven time and time again my strength and resilience. I doubt myself so often, but the reality is I’m utterly incredible. I went from being completely co-dependent to being able to do almost everything alone without a panic attack, I went for dinner by myself, and it was liberating. I spent so long building up this ideology that being spotted by myself would lead to judgements and looks but the reality is no one gives a sh*t.
I can’t ignore the bad moments; however, I’ve never felt so anxious and menial tasks like dishes and taking bins out have often taken several days or even a week to psych myself up for. It’s been utterly exhausting, and I don’t even think I’m through the brunt of it now. I still struggle a ridiculous amount and every day I get more and more dubious about the progress I’m making and whether I’m making the right decisions.
Recently I’ve had a lot of decisions to make, decisions about my own body which have consumed me. I’ve wrote about my weight gain, about the impact my PCOS has had on my weight and how draining it has been- Thursday saw a new challenge and more unanswered questions regarding my fertility were answered. I’ve got a lot riding on losing the weight, my periods need to return, or I could lose any small chance of naturally conceiving.
I’ve had moments of extreme low, I’ve been out of therapy and haven’t had professionals to speak to and the whole time I’ve had my trauma sat on a plate in front of me. I released a metaphoric can of worms without an assessed plan in front of me and I’m paying for it massively. There are some things I’ve never spoken about and though I’m sure I will someday it won’t be till I’ve received the help I so rightfully need.
Beginning this blog was the biggest risk I could’ve taken; I didn’t think anyone would read let alone the numbers I see. I never thought there’d be people worldwide reading about my silly life rants, or my mental health journey and yet I’m shocked to see viewers in several countries for every post. I’ve spoken, granted uncomfortably, about mental health for most of my adult life- I’ve rallied for a change, and I’ve stood up for what I believe into the point of death threats. I believe in a change of attitude and quite frankly I would love to see it in my lifetime- I went from being a suicidal teen to the woman I am now, fighting for a greater future.
This change hasn’t come without its costs however, I’ve lost more people in my life than I ever expected, and though I’ve gained a lot of acceptance I have waves where all the negativity that was thrown in my face at the end of friendships consumes me, and I view myself based on those opinions. It’s so silly but words do continue to hurt me, I’ve dealt with so much worse than someone attacking the woman I’ve worked so hard to become and yet it breaks me every time it happens.
In the past year I’ve regretted a lot of decisions I’ve made, none more so than falling again. I’m overwhelmed with my emotions currently and the path I’m on and I’m reminded every day that I’ve been through far worse. I know I’ll get through these moments; I know my dissertation will be sent off on time and I’ll be kinder to my soul as time goes on. However, right now I just want to settle. I don’t care enough to fight how I’m feeling, and I really don’t have the energy to work through it also. Between completing my dissertation, working four days a week, volunteering once a week, driving lessons and the smallest social life I am wiped out. I need to add working out and time for a good diet to that list and I’m already exhausted thinking about the lack of sleep I’m expecting.
The thing is the older you get the more life feels like a chore, every day is the same and I’m moving further and further away from my goal of being content. I don’t believe real happiness genuinely exists, but I hope even for a day I feel it once, this realisation (though sad to others) is the most important distinction I’ve made this year. Striving towards something which is both unattainable and probably not even real almost broke me- I believed it was the only goal and chasing it was a NEED not a WANT.
I’m happy with the woman I am now, I’d love less stress and some time to relax so I don’t completely burn out but I’m also in a really good place. I struggle most days and emotionally I’m a mess, but I wake up every day and eat three meals. I wake up every day and get out of bed rather than sitting in it all day, I wake up every day and speak to my family/friends. The progress I’ve made is incredible, and yet it’s still not enough. Taking it one day at a time is the best thing I’ve ever done, it’s more important than people realise. Hopefully August brings clarity and strength, because after the past few months that’s all I really need. I’ll try to write more; I’m going to begin organising my hours better meaning I have time to relax also.
Thank you as always, remember to be kind to your mind and body today and always xxxx