I’ve started writing this so many times, I don’t know where to start or what to say. I want to apologise for being gone for a while, I’ll try to explain but I don’t know how well it’s going to go…
In April I dropped horrifically, my mental health was at the lowest it’s been in a long time, and I didn’t know why. I started going through everything that was going on and the further I delved into my emotions the more unstable I became. Everything I did was making me cry and I was unable to focus on everything that was going on because all I wanted to do was eat and cry. I didn’t want to be here anymore, and I remember hysterically crying to my dad that I had no meaning anymore- everyone in my life is thriving so why do I need to be here anymore.
Time hasn’t exactly been kind and in the last month I’ve been in a slum like no other, I love my life and I love this new adventure I’m on, but I can’t help but feel guilty for everything that has happened. I live in a gorgeous flat with two kittens and a future which is bright and yet I feel so terrible all the time. I know I shouldn’t feel like this, I’m incredibly lucky and spoilt for my life the way it is. But I still feel terrible.
This week I submitted my PhD application after months of debating whether I am genuinely clever enough, I still don’t believe I am. I’m very behind on my dissertation, I actually thought I’d be done with it by now but unfortunately, I was wrong. I’m really struggling with writing because I know that when my dissertation is done, I then begin my PhD- an assignment I’ve waited a long time to do. I still don’t think I’m clever enough. I hope one day that changes but at this rate I’m probably going to end up thinking I’m dumb at the end of the six years.
I saw a tiktok this week which solidifies how I feel, it was a girl explaining how one boy called her fat when she was nine and she’s had an eating disorder since. My whole life has been belittled by comments people made when I was young, I developed my eating disorder because someone said my legs were fat. I believe I’m dumb despite having almost two degrees because everyone told me I was. It was conditioned into me. I spent years hiding my feelings because it was conditioned that we should be quiet about our feelings.
I’m sorry I’ve been quiet but alongside doubting my ability, I’ve been focusing on a stressful doctor’s appointment I have at the end of this month. When I say I’ve been focusing it’s been consuming everything I do- hopefully at the end of this month I’ll be able to focus on other things but at the moment I’m barely able to focus on other things.
I want to write more and I’m hoping that over the next few weeks more posts will be uploaded but I don’t want to promise because the way my moods switch at the moment is terrifying. I’m optimistic though, and I hope that as days go on, I’ll feel better about life.
Thank you for baring with me, I’ve seen all the notifications of the followers and likes on my old posts, and I couldn’t be more thankful of the support you all give me.
Lots of love as always, I’ll be back soon xxxx