February

Heyyyy everyone

I’m so sorry that I’ve had a small break, I’ve had multiple things going on over the past two weeks and haven’t been as focused as I wanted to be. 

University – I’ve been strangely unmotivated over the course of February, once my January coursework was in I just sort of fell off the side of the world. I woke up craving Netflix and wasn’t focusing on my work at all. It’s only in the past few days that I’ve began to realise how terrible it would be for me to fall behind. I can only explain it in one way- last year I was striving ahead, I had all my dissertation research completed and I had a lot of research complete ready for my write up. February 2020 my brain went into breakdown as I was on tablets dealing with UTI’s and then tonsillitis for the entire month. That isn’t an over-exaggeration I was on tablets from the 31st of January to the 1st of March; it was terrible. I fell so behind with university as I was so drained from the side effects of the tablets, my depression plummeted, and a lot of life problems threw me into a huge pit- I didn’t go into university for the month and despite how anxious I was about falling behind I was too anxious to begin doing the work also. I feel like this year, I’ve been trying to pretend that everything is good, but the truth is I’m terrified that something is going to turn up and stop me from doing how well I have. 

So, this year I have been unmotivated. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, especially when so far this year has been quite good for me. I’ve been looking after myself, I’ve had breakdowns, but I’ve dealt with them immediately rather than putting them off, so I don’t do anything stupid. I’ve rebegan doing work and I’ve realised how much I love education; how much I love what I study. I am incredibly passionate about society and I don’t think that’ll ever change- I want to learn and make society a greater place for everyone. I’ve never been so driven in my life. In relation to this I’ve been working hard on my PhD application and hopefully by the end of March it’ll be in making it completely official. I’m truly so excited. 

Family – I’ve been very lucky that I’ve been able to see my parents through this lockdown, I’ve been living alone and when things have been tough, I’ve been able to see them which has made everything so much better. Most of my family have managed to get their vaccinations which has definitely helped me feel better, at least they have some level of protection from coronavirus. 

Diet – beginning February I started intermittent fasting, I was only eating between 11 and 7 and to be honest that’s probably why my university work started to suffer. I’d wake up and go for a walk or stay in bed and watch tiktok till 11 and then eat before going on a 5k walk. Come back eat lunch and then have an hour lie down before doing 2 hours of working out and eating dinner. It stopped me from being able to study and I felt rushed in all forms. I had to change this and I’m glad that whilst I now eat throughout the day, I’m still eating on a calorie deficit. 

Friends – It has been almost a year since I last saw my friends in Plymouth, and it’s been almost 6 months since I saw one of my best friends. I’m very fortunate that I have incredible friends, but with life sometimes it’s difficult to keep on top of each other and keep in contact as much as I’d love us to. It’s a two-way street and there have been times when I know that I should just pick up the phone and give them a call but instead have watched Netflix. I hope my friends know I love them always. I did manage to see one even if it was for a second when I dropped a Wagamama’s takeaway to her front door on Valentine’s weekend and I think it was in that moment I realised how badly I needed to see my friends. 

Health – I thank life every day I wake up with good health. I’m typically ill around this time of the year, and this year I’ve been very lucky to stay healthy. Partly, I reckon, because I’ve not seen anyone and been holed up inside most the time. I think that being out clubbing a lot and celebrating my birthday etc. in the past has left me terribly ill (my own fault- I don’t wear enough clothes out). I’ve not been completely isolated from the doctors though and I’ve got a scan this weekend to work out why my period has been absent for almost half a year again; I also had an ear infection last week which was horrific as I literally couldn’t hear out of one ear and my head was ringing from morning to evening. It truly made me appreciate my hearing, even if I do have horrific hearing in general. My skin is clearing up and whilst I’ve had a few allergic reactions to hand sanitiser they’ve not been as bad as before so that’s always a plus. When I was 11, I fell over walking and fractured my left foot and unfortunately falling off a curb last week has left me for the past week with a swollen/painful foot- something I hope to also get checked out over the next few days. 

Miscellaneous – I’ve lost weight. Not as much as I’d have hoped but I’ve found myself spotting changes when I look in the mirror. My curves are coming back and some of my clothes are already starting to get too big- I’m genuinely so pleased. I’ve started to find joy in the smaller things and though I’ve been on my phone more it’s been on a game which challenges my brain so I’m not that mad about it. I’ve worked out my limits and over the past few weeks I’ve been pushed there a lot. 

Whilst writing this I cried for the second time since 2021 began. I was speaking about some things and for the first time in an awful long time I’d said things out loud which even I wasn’t ready to hear. I’ve been trying to face my fears, progress and be the woman I’ve always dreamt about being, but it wasn’t till today I realised the power my past still has over me. I owe a lot of apologies to a lot of people and I hope I get those apologies out because they deserve to hear it. Even if it is too late. Thank you for baring with me on this journey, it’s still so new to me that I have support and I’m truly grateful.

I love you all. I’ll be more active I promise!!

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