Hey everyone!!!
Hope you are all doing good, despite a few injuries I’ve never felt so good with everything. I’m losing weight and I’m eating less meat which is helping me feel better. I’ve been stressed with all the university work and been dealing with the pain of working through a lot of trauma I’d supressed. 2021 for me is about making light of things that have pained, stressed and hurt me; I’ve been keeping so much hidden for so long I didn’t know if it’d ever get better. It’s finally being relieved though, I’ve done a lot of healing and talking about things I’ve barely told anyone- though I’m not ready to share I feel like this is the start of sharing a journey I’m lowkey proud of.
I’d just like to put a disclaimer out there to my family, and family friends…and anyone really. This might be TMI but it’s part of my journey and I feel like I’m too often positive on this blog and you all deserve to see the rawness of my journey. So today we talk about all things SEX… and wow I apologise to my family members for this one. I know you read my blog, and this isn’t going to paint a lovely picture.
First of all, I want to STRESS this point, virginity doesn’t mean anything. The whole concept of virginity is a way of making a woman feel as if they are giving something up, something away. It’s not real. Your hymen can be broken from a number of things, virginity doesn’t even depend on a literal thing- it is a mental concept used to hold women to their body counts.
Second of all, let me stress on body counts for a second. A lot of you reading will be wondering what a body count is, and it’s simply the number of people you sleep with. It’s not important, if you think reading this will give you an insight into my number you have another thing coming. I’m not here to give an insight into my sexual experiences but instead explore how it’s impacted my mental and physical health.
PLEASE DON’T LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY TILL YOU ARE READY. Please don’t let anyone ever force you, guilt you or trick you into sex. You will most likely regret it if you do.
I lost my virginity when I was 19, which for some reason is deemed late. I was ready before but wasn’t fussed, then the longer I left it the more anxious I got. I lost it when I was drunk, which considering most of my time at university it’s not a shock that that happened. It didn’t feel like a loss or a gain, I didn’t lose a part of me and I didn’t give up a part of me either.
After I lost it, every time I saw a guy, for a date or whatever, people would assume I was sleeping with them. I don’t have a high sex drive; I never have and so I wasn’t sleeping around. I didn’t care and the first time I stupidly ended up having to take the morning after pill that changed a lot for me. The symptoms terrified me and as I had no care for myself, I went out drinking just hours after I’d taken the tablet leaving me with horrific side effects including dizziness, nausea and feeling light-headed. After that I’ve never not used protection, I don’t plan on taking that pill again unless I absolutely have to.
My experiences varied and majority of the time I was drunk, and I feel like that changes your experience dramatically. I ended up with terrible UTI’s even if I peed after sex and was on antibiotics every time, I slept with a guy to cure that. Then September 2019 I had an experience I’m not ready to talk about, but it changed the game. My body was changing, and I was gaining weight horrifically. I no longer felt confident in a lot of my clothes and it didn’t help that all of my friends were gorgeous; being wanted even for 15 minutes helped me. I didn’t notice how bad it got, I was doing it for the sake of it and not enjoying any part of it.
January 31st 2020, I got very drunk and took someone home, I forced him to leave after 5 minutes as he was annoying me and as I fell asleep wearing the outfit I’d worn out with my makeup intact I remember thinking this is the end now. Considering the state, I woke up in the following morning I promised myself that I was going to take a break. I wasn’t going to continue sleeping with guys to help boost my confidence, or my image of myself because that release is worth 20 seconds. It’s not worth it at all.
So, I began, and I won’t lie there has been times when I came very close to ending my year, but I made it. I realised that a lot of people are only talking to me for sex, and when you say a sentence like ‘I’m on a year without sex’ it’s often that it’s followed with – ‘when does that end then?’ ‘why do you need to do that?’. I’ve not often explained myself, but when I have explained my reasoning it’s often been met with resistance ‘I wouldn’t treat you like that’ ‘well we’ll just have to when your year is over’- how about no.
I took a year off to help myself, and I feel like I spent most of it explaining to idiots why I wouldn’t sleep with them. I didn’t work through everything I needed to; I don’t feel like if I was to start to have sex today, I’d be in any better mental state than when I challenged myself to this. I’m 22 years old and I have a horrific relationship with myself, I’m often allowing myself to be pressured into situations that I have no want for. I let myself get broken down and end up guilted into things I don’t want to do, that changes.
I’ve completed a year of no sex and barely anything has changed. The little control I lost of my body when I had casual sex has been regained but I haven’t learnt why things happened the way they did, I haven’t learnt anything from the whole experience. It’s been exactly 9 days since I realised how much of an impact this all had on me. How can I expect to better my mindset, body and health if I can’t even accept what has happened in the past?
So, by writing this I hope to move on. I wrote this on my year anniversary, but I couldn’t post it and so my drinking post went up instead. I know there will be a lot of judgement on this and to be honest I don’t know how I’ll cope with that, but I’m here to open up for my own sake and not yours. Writing my feelings helps share the load, and quite frankly I haven’t felt so light in a very long time. Here is a very honest post, I hope you enjoy reading it and if you need to hear it today then here it is. You are incredible, you’re worth so much more than you believe. Love you all lots, see you soon.
More than a Diagnosis 