January, my birthday month, usually one of my worst months of the year. This year it’s been different, I’m strangely content.
University – The past week has been breakdown-fuelled. We had two group presentations this week and it has led me to countless breakdowns. I was having a chat with someone who despite never meeting has known me since I was 17/18 WHICH IS MAD, and I was explaining how infuriating it is to me that people assume I’m never busy. I work hard on my university work from 9/10 depending on when I wake up till 5/6 especially when close to a deadline when sometimes I don’t finish till 9/10 at night. I’m a massive procrastinator so I will still reply to messages occasionally, and for some reason people think that means I don’t do anything. Probably the case during my undergraduate but definitely not in my masters unfortunately. The following weeks is preparation for my dissertation and getting my PhD proposal ready for application- I’ve had to put that all on hold whilst I’ve been sorting out these presentations so I’m looking forward to researching and putting together something I’m genuinely interested in.
Family – I began 2021 in a panic attack over a huge firework display in our area, yes, I’m 22 and fireworks terrify me. I was very lucky to spend the first few days of the new year at home with my family and even celebrating my birthday early with them. On my birthday I was overwhelmed at the love my family and friends gave to me, and it was lovely to catch up with the whole of my family doing my annual rounds of thank you phone calls. I’m very grateful I have a family who almost always pick up the phone to me and will help motivate me to do work, to go on a walk or to cook. I’m definitely blessed.
Diet – I’ve actually stuck to a diet; it isn’t strict and I’ve explained it more in my previous post. I’m starting to see changes in my body and I’m beginning to crave foods less but I’m not restricting myself. I’m losing weight because I want to, I’m not losing weight because I need to. Though how I’ve let myself go does often depress me, I’m secure in myself enough that if I wasn’t in a good enough mental position to be losing weight I wouldn’t. It’s about knowing your limits, the past days I’ve had breakdown after breakdown over university work and so I knew it would be stupid to work out meaning I didn’t. Losing weight isn’t about making your body happy but your mind sad; if you don’t keep yourself content it won’t matter how many kilos you lose. That was what I needed to hear when I began my workout journey last summer, I wasn’t in a mental state where I could focus and be happy to lose weight. I wanted to do it for the body, not for myself and I’m so glad I grew out of that toxic mindset. I’m doing it for me and that body now.
Friends – I have the most amazing friends in the world, in a way I feel bad for others because they don’t have what I have. I know that my friends have my back always, and my birthday was a perfect example of this. I cried on my birthday and for once it wasn’t because I felt terrible but instead, I felt loved. My journey to finding the most amazing friends was long and there was plenty of blips along the way but I’m so grateful to have made it this far. One of my friends ordered my favourite milka chocolate for me, which trust me it has been difficult to limit myself with it in accordance with my calorie deficit and another got me a self-care box with a book in there to write my goals, bucket list and journal how I’m feeling. Not every day is guaranteed and so I hope my friends know no matter what I love them now, and every day till the end.
Health – I’ve been trying to get rid of my spots, but obviously being stressed kind of cancels out the medication I’ve been on to get rid of stress spots. I’m sure it’ll go away soon. I haven’t had my period since September and whilst it’s not something I’m massively worried about I’m starting to grow a bit of concern. If this continues till March, then I’ll be trying to sort something with the GP.
Miscellaneous – I’ve really been looking after myself this month and on the one day I did begin to break I took myself out of the situation and went on a therapeutic B&M trip in the rain which automatically made me feel so much better. I’ve been trying to get out the house more which I think is so important in keeping myself fit, healthy and well. I’ve been giving myself breaks in the evening to watch shows that make me happy and enjoyed spending time by myself which is something I’ve never managed to do. We’ve been in lockdown for two weeks now and I’m still going, something that after the lockdown in November and me fleeing after one week I didn’t think would be possible.
Happy January kiddos, it’s been a lengthy month. Everyone always says January takes its’ time, but I’ve never noticed before this year. I hope you all had and continue to have a lovely month.