Heyyy
This is my last post in 2020 and I’m incredibly shocked and proud. I’ve had this blog for five months now and all I’ve shared has meant so much. I’ve had a few bits of negativity from this, but it’s mainly been positive, I’m so grateful for both the negative and the positive, it’s not the negative which motivate me but make me remember how far I’ve come. I had people, mainly teachers, who told me I’d never make it. They told me not to bother applying for a degree as I wasn’t worth their time, I’d end up working in McDonalds for the rest of my life (nothing against McDonalds- I was working there in my final year).
I spoke in an earlier post how 2021 for me isn’t about setting unrealistic resolutions, I want to make goals that’ll make me happy and I’m almost certain this is the year I finally manage that.
Every year I have a great resolution about doctor’s appointments, it’s one that I regularly get made fun of for. I promise myself only five appointments a year and most the time I feel like a failure for not managing it. That doesn’t make sense those, looking after my health and being on top of everything that happens to my body has helped me massively. There are countless times when I’ve ignored aspects of pain or swelling and ended up on tablets for weeks. This year that changes, if I need an appointment, I will make one. My health is one of the most important things, both mental and physical and as I get older and older that’s the thing, I need to remember the most. This year is about keeping myself safe and at a time of a global pandemic health is such an important thing to remember. I wish nothing but safety and health for all of you and myself, keep yourselves safe.
I promise myself yearly I’ll make a show of turning up to therapy weekly/bi-weekly but I’m finally at a point in my life where I don’t need to be at therapy often. I still need therapy and I probably always will, I’m dealing with a lot of unspoken trauma and one day I’m sure it’ll all come out and I’ll have to deal with it. But I don’t need to speak weekly, I don’t need to set little goals like talking about my feelings because I do. I don’t shy away from my feelings anymore and I don’t hide them from those I love- my mental health is no longer a solo-problem and for the first time in my life I’m genuinely pleased to have people along for the journey.
This year I haven’t seen my friends often, my hope for 2021 is a lot more time with them and maybe even a holiday alongside them. When I begin my PhD that’ll be my first step to adulthood including a job and moving out properly, and the truth is that means I’m leaving London and though I’m sure I won’t lose them I’ll be miles away from my friends. Even in a different country to them all. 2021 is about keeping my friends, letting them know they are loved and appreciated. I don’t get to speak to my friends daily, we are all very busy people, but I appreciate every second I get with them. They are the most incredible beings ever.
I want to travel, I always put it on my resolutions and as I get closer and closer to my goal of 30 countries before 30, I need to learn how to manage things alone. I would love to see a lot of places and at one point that is going to mean me travelling alone. I need to get more comfortable with eating alone and looking after myself. That’s not a goal for this year but more something long-term, I’ve never really had to do things by myself as I’m continuously around people but I’m getting to the point in my life where I will have to learn to spend time by myself without it making me depressed.
This year I want to laugh, I want to watch more shows and films that will make me laugh. I want to feel continuous joy and not have to force myself to feel positivity. I want to read and learn how to knit; I never get a chance to read but I love it. I’ve always wanted to learn how to knit also but never went through with learning as I was too busy. I want to sit and write a CV which lists why I am a perfect candidate for a job without feeling like I’m scamming someone- I want to know and believe that I am worthy of success. I want to pass my masters; I want to write an amazing dissertation with a much more successful organisation schedule than my previous dissertation.
I want to go back to the Åland islands this summer and make some memories, see my family, eat some amazing food and experience a world other than the one I live in. I obviously won’t be going if it is not safe to do so, because I truly couldn’t deal with the stress of hurting anyone especially my family. But if I learnt anything from my six-week stint there this summer I missed out a lot on not appreciating it; growing up I was so obsessed with social media and life that the idea of spending time in the middle of nowhere didn’t appeal to me at all. The older I got the more I loved the isolation that the island gave me and once again- I LOVE THE FOOD. I could eat my bodyweight in cinnamon buns and it still wouldn’t be enough.
Summer 2021 is the start of my future, I will be moving to Dundee and starting the future I’ve always dreamt of. A future of getting my doctorate and working a job that’ll make me incredibly happy. When I failed at dying, I used to sit there and wonder why I am still here, like why didn’t it work. I’m not a religious person, at all, but I like to think that it’s because I’m meant to be here. There’s something that I’m supposed to do, to manage before I pass and hopefully as the years follow, I’ll find my purpose.
This blog has helped me incredibly amounts; I’m putting across feelings just short of 2 to 3 years ago barely ten people knew about. My pain and trauma for all those years has barely been touched on but I have so much more to touch on over time and I can’t wait to share it with you all. I feel like just having the viewers I have each post is an achievement as to begin with I truly believed the only purpose of me doing this blog was to read it myself and remember how far I’ve come. I’m almost twenty-two and I’ve been battling my mental health since I was eight, this isn’t the start or the end of my journey but the start of my life. I wasted my teenage years being depressed, I spent so much time hiding and pretending to be someone I wasn’t and now I just want to be me. I won’t apologise for being who I am, for being open about my mental health or looking out for myself, my friends and my family over anyone else. I appreciate what I have and no longer put so much into forcing myself into someone I am not and instead become the person I am meant to be.
So, here’s to 2021, a year I find a home and pursue something I dreamt of since I was a stupid child. I hope you all have a lovely New Years, see you in the New Year.
More than a Diagnosis 