Heyyyy
I’ve had a mental time finishing my last essay for block one and then travelling up to Dundee to see the area I am moving to this summer; it’s been a whirlwind and my feet are still in so much pain from all the walking but I’m finally feeling less stressed at my upcoming move. The past few months I’ve been incredibly overwhelmed and slowly sorting things has really helped to ‘de-cloud’ my head and focus on myself. So, as I listen to Taylor Swift’s Evermore chronologically, let me take you through my journey to happiness.
If you’ve been an avid reader of my blog, you’d know that happiness is not an emotion/feeling I’d necessarily associate with, not out of choice but more the cards I’ve been given throughout my long almost twenty-two years on this planet. I feel like it sounded so sad to sit and say that one of my biggest personal dreams used to be to feel complete happiness. However, I grew up. I’m no longer the 18-year-old who naively sashays through life thinking one day it’ll get so much better that all the trauma and problems will be gone. Chances are that’ll never happen, and I don’t know whether I’m proud to call that growth or not, maybe I just became more and more pessimistic.
I have short bursts of happiness, when I say short it can be anything up to a day. I find those moments in times with my friends, having a laugh and a drink making memories which depending on how many drinks I have I’ll always remember. I find happiness in cuddles with my cat, (pictured below, she’s adorable I know) she’s getting older and the thought of the inevitable is something I’m really struggling with. She’s going senile and most the time can’t remember if her claws are dug in somewhere or if she’s eaten. But she’s my baby, she’s been my only constant through everything and she’s older than my mental health problems which is a miracle considering I feel like I’ve had these problems the entirety of my life.
I find happiness in a katsu curry, in a pornstar martini (or 10). I find happiness in family time, playing games and swearing/threatening my sister when she inevitably beats me. I find happiness in Christmas and watching movies with a glass of prosecco and a tub of quality streets. I find happiness in university, studying topics I feel so strongly about- even if I am terrible at writing the essays for them. I find happiness in the same TV shows I’ve watched a thousand times; the same comedies make me laugh to the point of tears and the final episodes of shows break me down to the point I can’t help flooding tears.
I find happiness now, about to put some pigs in blankets in the oven for my breakfast (‘tis the season) with my cat less than 2m away from me chomping on the food she followed me around the house for. I find happiness in lazy days, wearing pyjamas and slippers all day, not brushing my hair or applying skincare/makeup. I also find happiness in my social days, seeing my friends and the anticipation putting makeup on and sorting my hair out. Doing things that make my life complete, making my life better than what it was before.
My future might never form this idea of happiness I’ve spent years striving for, I might never have long-term happiness. My life doesn’t revolve around finding something which may not exist, I’m working through trauma which I’ll probably never recover from and as I work through it; I can only imagine more will pile on. My future doesn’t depend on working through my trauma, I’ve made it through almost twenty-two years and I’m still thriving even if sometimes it doesn’t feel like it.
I’m sorry this post was delayed, I have so much more planned for this blog over this month and I hope now that this term is over these ideas can become reality. From tomorrow onwards I begin my journey to better health after putting it off because my mental health had deteriorated. I’m also getting ready for Christmas and trying to get prepared for a different celebration to what I’m used to, I’m really not good with change but I’m getting there. I’m trying to keep contact with my friends too especially as we’ve now entered tier three and the chances to see my friends are slowly thinning. I’ll see you all soon, thank you for listening.
PS: I urge you all over Christmas to make a list of things that make you happy and as we move to 2021 use that list every day to remind yourself how things make you happy and no matter what happens there are still things to be happy about.
More than a Diagnosis 