November… it gets harder every year

Hiiii loves

I should be more vocal again; it’s the time of the year when my seasonal depression has more than kicked in and though it’s been rough, I’m making my way through the month. Here we go though, here’s my monthly recap with a twist.

Two weeks back I mourned, and I fought with grief, six years later and the pain is yet to leave. I still feel guilty having not stopped or been there, but heaven gained the most amazing angels. I’m so lucky that though my time in their lives were short it was met with such love, laughter and life. Yesterday I was in a pit once again, two years back I made the same mistake again and lost another beautiful soul. Yesterday was also my two-year anniversary of my worst suicide attempt, I’m so grateful it didn’t work. I will never let myself slip like that again. November isn’t just seasonal depression to me, it’s the reminder of the mistakes I’ve made. The mistakes I promised I’d never remake I ended up doing over and over again. 

University – my work is going incredible. I did a presentation last week and then on top of that I finished an essay in 3 days which I didn’t think was possible. I genuinely love my course. I’m beginning the second block on Monday which is insane, the first six weeks flew by and having handed in two assignments pending a third I am currently a sixth way through my masters. I love studying sociology-based modules, it reminded me why I loved my undergraduate. So yesterday I had my first meeting and finalised my PhD thesis topic, I hope that by studying what I’m doing I can make a real difference. I’m not ready to speak about the topic on here yet as I still have some research to do but in the long-term the results could genuinely make a difference. 

Family – When I had my breakdown a week or so back, I rang my mum straight away and within half an hour I was packing to go up to live with my Granny and Auntie in Scotland for basically the rest of lockdown. I’m so lucky that it doesn’t matter how much I break my family is always on my side, backing me. There is nothing more important than that. Also, I’m heading home for Christmas soon so that’ll be some much-needed family time as we haven’t seen all four of us together since September which is ridiculously long for us. It will be nice to just relax over Christmas and play games until my sister physically throws a tantrum. She always does.

Diet – My clothes are baggier than before, don’t know if I’ve lost weight because I haven’t been able to weigh myself plus I haven’t been in a good enough mental state to weigh myself anyway. I’m eating as normal, I’m struggling along and I haven’t done as much working out as wanted but I’ve been so busy that I haven’t had the chance. 

Friends – my friends are incredible. The way they all rushed to my side when I broke and since have kept well in contact with me, congratulating me on my PhD and move up to Scotland for next year. Keeping me going with laughs whilst I do my essays. When I was younger I always dreamt I’d have the perfect friendships and I truly do, I’m so grateful.

Health – my skin is still flaring, could be stress though. Not worried and trying to come off my skincare routine to see if it’s that. I’ve been having minor reactions to clementine’s again; I know I’m allergic to the pesticides but it’s a Christmas tradition for me to have rashes over my hands because of them. My period also never came in October or November so we’re back to waiting again, loads of fun. I’m sure it’ll rock up on Christmas as I’m cooking Christmas dinner for fun. 

Miscellaneous – I’m starting a volunteering mentorship program with children, helping them which I’m so grateful these types of opportunities are there for me to grab. I just also want to laugh at present me who just read this post and an hour ago wrote that it was nice to have a breakdown without doing something catastrophic like getting a piercing or dyeing my hair yet here I am with two new piercings to mirror my other ear. Sorry mum, I like piercings.

This month has been tough so far, I ended October in high spirits and worked so hard to be the woman I currently am. I worked hard at university and worked out what my future entails. I began searching for new cities to move to and decided Dundee is at least my next six years, I’ll be half an hour from my Granny and Auntie and a lifetime away from London but I’m growing up. I was always terrified that I wanted to leave London so bad that I never would, it’d be something I would regret the older I got. I haven’t lived full-time in London since I was eighteen and I doubt I ever will as I’ll be twenty-eight when I finish my PhD. I fell in love with learning, I found what I was passionate about- social change and sociology gives me that drive to succeed. I’m still growing and learning and after November the last thing I thought I’d be doing is wanting to move to Scotland alone, but I know that this is where my journey begins.

I’m twenty-two in less than two months and I’m proud of the woman I am. I have rough times and they try their hardest to bring me down, but I’m stronger than that and I’ll keep fighting. Thank you for bearing with me this month, I haven’t been as vocal as usual, but I’ve also been working through a lot that I’m yet to speak about, probably never will speak about to be completely honest. 

Thank you, I love you all. I’ll be back to normal soon.

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