2 years… what have I learnt?

TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE. 

Hiii loves

Yesterday, 20^th of November was 2 years since two life-changing moments in life. My November recap will explain the other one, but this is the important one. It was 2 years since my most dangerous attempt, what have I learnt.

Life is what you make of it. 

I never thought I was clever, and I’ve just began sorting my PhD proposal.

I thought I was lonely, and yet when I broke two weeks ago my phone didn’t shut up with love.

I thought I was worthless, and yet I am continuously reminded of how I’ve helped so many people.

I thought I’d be better off dead, and yet I am reminded daily of everything I have to live for.

Suicide is not selfish; it takes a lot of courage and strength to go through with it. I never had that I’d like to think it’s because I always knew I would get through things. I just wanted relief. 

I’m stupid though, I never spoke out and I never told people what had happened or was happening because I was terrified, they’d leave me. The funny thing about that is the ones that left only made me stronger. I’m not alone and I never have been.

You spend so many years hating yourself that when things begin to go well you purposely mess it up. I self-sabotage continuously. I don’t like being happy, it unsettles me. But I’m learning and I’m changing, I’ll never change who I am. I have nothing to change- I am who I am because of the experiences I’ve been through and they’ve shaped me incredibly. 

I am a woman destined to change things, I don’t personally believe it is even possible for me to be quiet and stop fighting for change. I wouldn’t be who I am today if it wasn’t for those who didn’t believe in me, to the people who bullied me or spoke nasty about me- you are not to thank for my success, but I hope you regret it. I hope that you still continue to be obsessed with me, and though I have forgiven behaviour I know a lot of you did continually stalk my account though blocked. Hope you enjoyed watching who I became. 

I’m not 19 overdosing in my bathroom at university. I’m 21 typing this an hour before I go and get my fifth and sixth piercing of the year. I’m the most resilient woman I know and yes, both literally and metaphorically I am big-headed. My ego is rightfully large, I’ve lived through so much trauma and yet I’m still alive. 

If you are struggling please know it gets better. I’m living proof that the better doesn’t come quickly or successfully. I’ve had better and still fallen again; it’s draining but it’ll be worth it. One day I’ll tell my children about how I almost gave everything up when I was 19, how I came so close to death and how it motivated me. 

Thank you for reading, as always please reach out if you need to.