I wasn’t expecting to write this post. I know what spurred it, but I wasn’t expecting to write it. This isn’t a typical post and it won’t be as long as my usual posts because of it. It also probably won’t be my last post like this one, I feel like I owe several apologies and I want to begin with this one.
I’m not perfect. I never have been, I’ve also done some pretty terrible things in my life and wow I have paid for it.
Growing up I was bullied, I used that to excuse my behaviour after. I was bullied into an eating disorder and from the point of realisation my attitude changed. I was disrespectful and rude to a lot of people. I’m sorry.
Through secondary school I created a personality which was not me, I wanted to act like I was big and tough, and I hurt a lot of people. I know what I did, and though I’m sure the other parties have forgotten if you haven’t, I’m sorry.
Then came GCSE years and I stopped caring, a lot of things happened, and my mind was elsewhere. I wasn’t particularly nice to people and I stupidly used my mental health as an excuse for acting quite frankly like a little b*tch. I am so sorry.
A Levels came and to be honest I was a different person; I don’t really know who I was, but I was rude, and I was done. I had no consideration for how my actions impacted others because no one had had for me. My pictures had been leaked and then to make matters worse people would re-leak the same photos every few months making me paranoid and insecure. I was broken and it changed me. I’m sorry.
Now my apology to men. Though I doubt guys I’ve gotten with or spoken to will read this let me apologise, I didn’t want commitment and I also didn’t want to heighten my body count. Therefore, I spoke to you, lead you on, told you things would happen and then bounced. I know what I did, most the time it was because you boosted my ego and I needed it. After I got my heartbroken that changed, maybe that’s all I needed to actually care about your feelings, I’m sorry if you met me pre-heartbreak. I’m sorry if you met me post-heartbreak too, I don’t know what I want or even who I am at this time in my life and I have probably ended up leading on just as many of you. I’m sorry I wish I could change but I can’t.
Apologising is not something that comes easy to me, I’m strong minded and stubborn. I guess that’s a pretty big flaw of mine to be honest, however I should apologise more. I know I should. I’ve ended a lot of friendships over my stubbornness and reflecting that has made me realise I would’ve been in a completely different place had I accepted my behaviour was wrong and changed.
I don’t believe you can genuinely forgive without closure, and maybe that’s why I hold grudges for longer. However, everything deserves an apology, there is loads of people I’d love to apologise to right now but it’s impossible and I lost that opportunity a long time ago. Last words hurt and even with a diminishing memory I’m still around thinking about the last words I said to some people and the last words they said to me. Don’t let bitterness stop you from admitting you were wrong, don’t let shoddy excuses stop you from accepting you made a mistake.
This post was fuelled by something that occurred yesterday for me, I was writing a post on trauma and I suddenly felt overwhelmed. I struggled to work out where it was coming from but then realised, I had some unspoken words to say. I’ve never vented with such honesty before and I was met with a pathetic excuse. As a proud mentally ill person I hope I never use my mental health as an excuse for disgusting and traumatic behaviour, to be in a position of power and to abuse that position because you refuse to admit you messed up all those years ago. It’s disgusting and to be honest I’m so far gone with being annoyed about it, so this is me done.
I owe a lot of people apologies and to be honest I don’t think I’ll ever actually get around to doing all of those apologies and that’s really sad. To anyone I’ve ever used my mental health to excuse my sh*t behaviour I’m sorry, I really am. I’ve grown up and I’m different now.