I’m going to stop apologising for my posts being scarcer and accept that I’m becoming busier and whilst I’m under this level of stress finding the time to dedicate to writing and making it good is becoming harder and harder. I have so many drafts of posts I’ve began and then realised I’m waffling, and I don’t want to release half-a** posts for the sake of getting something up.
September is Suicide Prevention Month. This is your trigger warning, do NOT read if this could trigger you.
Throughout this blog I’ve explained and spoken about countless painful times in my life, I’ve predominantly explained how my depression and anxiety has led me down the paths it has and how I fight every day to remain somewhat positive (though I believe content is a better word). Now comes the hardest part, and to my family members reading I’m so sorry. I promise you I regret it; I can’t promise I will never get that low again, but I can promise I will never go through with it. I was 14 when I first attempted on my life, I remember vividly wanting the pain to go away. A year later I attempted again, just after three of my friends did. I was a wreck and I sure as hell didn’t want to carry on. My education was falling apart, my social life was non-existent, my ‘relationship’ was draining, and I couldn’t any positives in my life.
I always pride myself on the fact that I always can envision a future for myself, when I was 16 and attempted, I didn’t see a future. To be honest when results day for GCSES happened I remember thinking I didn’t even think I’d be alive right now and yet I’m collecting my grades today. In the space of learning and studying for my GCSES my depression had fallen to a low, three of my friends had taken their lives and I’d had 3 attempts of my own. So, collecting an A, 7 B’s a C and a D was incredible. Teachers happily told me that I had done terribly without knowing even half of the truth. I was falling apart. I promised myself that after my GCSEs I’d work to give myself a future where I can make a difference.
I was 19 when another one of my friends took her life. She’d been trying to contact me for a week and because we hadn’t spoken for a few years I wasn’t in a hurry. I missed every single one of the red flags and I regret it to this day. After three years not particularly enjoying life but not actively trying to end it, I finally hit my breaking point, I couldn’t be more grateful it didn’t work. That was the closest I’d ever come and though I’d love to say that scared me enough to not try again 5 months later I broke again. 2019 was the hardest year of my life, I didn’t particularly mourn my friend till 2019 began as I kept myself busy. I put my liver through the ringer those two months till 2019 began trying to cope with what had just happened. 2019 was the worst year of my life; coming to grips with what had happened, coping with my own mental health problems, getting my heartbroken, visiting my gran for what was the last time and even more.
I was once asked to be in a YouTube documentary/film by an amazing friend of mine in school about mental health and coping, I got asked whether I believed suicide is selfish. I was the only one who said no, when I was at my lowest hearing ‘but how will …. cope’ only egged me on. I wanted to know that I was loved, I had a future, I was going to do incredible things not that I would leave pain behind. Maybe that’s just my way of thinking about it and I am so sorry if my opinion hurts anyone because trust me I know how painful it is to be on both ends and yet I’d like to think that if any of my attempts had followed through my family and friends wouldn’t be sitting around saying I was selfish for ending it all. You can miss someone without blaming them.
I’d like to say I’m pretty much never going to fall that low again, I’ve been through some heavy stuff in my adolescent years and to still be around and kicking at 21 proves to me there’s a reason why I’m still alive. I’d also like to assume I’d pick up on red flags, but I would’ve said that before and I was wrong. It’s not always easy to see, check in on your mates. Even your happiest of mates can be struggling, life isn’t easy, life drains you and knowing you have people can take you out of even the darkest of places. I’d just like to also say my messages are always open, I literally would be there in a heartbeat for anyone. No one deserves to go through it alone, please just message me or someone you trust. Life is so worth carrying on with, it sucks a** sometimes I KNOW IT DOES but like many I’m just waiting to see if it does ‘get better’.
Thank you for reading, I’m sorry to my friends and family. I love you all.
To you four,
I can’t sit and pretend I don’t know why you did it. I can’t sit and blame you for it because I know that you wouldn’t for me. I can’t sit and be sad forever, you wouldn’t have wanted that. I can sit and remember you though, in your prime cry-laughing with me over facetime and sending me countless Stereo Kicks, One Direction and Union J tweets/pictures/videos. I choose to remember the good days, not the days and months I spent unable to comprehend why friends would just up and leave you as if it never meant anything or the years, I spent blaming myself for your own decision to end your life. I find my memory slipping sometimes and I’m so terrified one day I won’t be able to remember your gorgeous faces or your laughs but for now I still can. I hope I never forget them. Always thinking of you. Always wishing you stayed.