I’m so sorry for the inactivity recently, I’ve been dealing with my health which is in turn terrifying me and making me feel very guilty. It’s not a good time to be honest, I’ve been terribly down and have spent a lot of time crying to myself. I’ve had a lot of time to reflect and to be honest look at how my life has changed from the beginning of 2020. I went into 2020 in a terrible mental state, I didn’t know if a lot of my friendships would survive much longer but I was hopeful. 2020 was supposed to be my year of blessings, to find myself and love life. Yes, I’m happier now but I’m still having rough days and weeks; I’m still finding life incredibly painful and am struggling to find a blessing in each and every day.
I guess that’s why it’s easy to imagine a future. Now I’m not a cup half full kind-of person, the cup is half empty and that sort of pessimism is what I believe turns me into a realist. I know life isn’t magically going to be kind to me and give me everything I want; I know that the next five years could realistically be as life-changing and painful as the past five years. But I’m hopeful; my counsellor once told me that she wasn’t majorly worried about me because no matter what I would always envision a future. Even when things are/were bad, I know I have a future. Much like my previous post ‘Letter to 16-year-old me’ I want to turn this into a checklist for the future. If in 5 years I am no longer blogging I hope I can still look back at this post and feel like I’ve fulfilled my wishes as a 21-year-old.
- Education – not the most important on the list but future Emily I hope you worked your a** off during your master’s and it opened the final doors you needed to know what your future entails. (Lowkey hope you’ve also began looking at your PhD- Emily Cochrane PhD has a nice ring to it.)
- Career – I hope you are happy in whatever job you ended up in. If not, I hope you get the courage and experience to leave that job and find your happiness. I did not put you through 9 jobs, many of which that led to huge breakdowns, for you to settle for a job that doesn’t make you happy. Remember you are in a generation where you will most likely never spend your whole life with one career, it’s okay to change jobs if it betters your quality of life.
- Health – I hope everything is okay. I hope the past five years have been good. I hope it stays good. Maybe in five years you can learn to keep yourself from getting ill ten times a year (it’s draining and I’m sick of constantly being ill). I hope you never stopped putting your health first, there is nothing more important than keeping yourself healthy. (I hope you are drinking less too, looking after yourself).
- Family – You’ll be 26 by the time these 5 years are over. I hope you used those five years to be with your family, I hope you took every chance to be around them and show how much you love them. Family is and will always be everything, the past five years should’ve been you proving that to them. You haven’t always been the best at showing it.
- Children – I hope that you have finally joined the adoption list. You deserve to be the best mum; I hope you are on your way to be that woman. 21-year-old you is rooting for you, you haven’t gone through this much in life to not become a mother. It is your destiny.
- Friendships – You have four main best friends right now; I hope they are still in your life. If they aren’t, I hope it never ended badly, no matter what I hope that you have good friends around you. It’s one of your biggest fears at 21, you deserve good people around you always.
- Diet – I hope you lost the weight, I hope you got your breast reduction too. You deserve a figure that makes you happy, I hope you grew out of your body dysmorphia. Hopefully you got back into some sort of sport, kept yourself active and feel better for it. (On the same note I hope you have a hobby which doesn’t include sleeping, eating or drinking).
- Mental Health – I hope you are still coping. If you are still in therapy, I hope you are making progress and I hope the world is in a better place that your mental health never works against you for opportunities.
- Moving – I hope you moved up North for good, I hope you found a nice area and a nice house, and you are a homeowner. No one thought you’d actually manage to be a homeowner at 25 no matter how driven you were. You hopefully have done it.
- Your sister – (Even though she has annoyed you a lot today) I hope she finally makes it. She’ll be 24 by the time you look back on this, she will have finished her fashion degree, and either be travelling or in some sort of job somewhere. I hope she made it or is on her way to making it. I hope you never lose your relationship with her, and that you have helped her as she struggles through the difficult job field that is the art world.
So, there it is, my 10 biggest hopes for 26-year-old me. The next five years are life changing for me, I don’t know how it’s going to go. These are the things I hope that’ll happen; nothing is guaranteed but by 26 I hope these things are still important to me. I hope if things haven’t happened, I am still working to them. My future is undecided and undetermined, all I know is if I’m still alive and well by the age of 26 I must be doing something correct and if I have even an ounce of the kindness and resilience, I show now anything is possible for me.
This is a bit different to what I was expecting to write, I hope to have another post up very soon but for now I’m going to watch some episodes of my favourite shows which always make me bawl my eyes out to help my healing. I hope you are all doing okay, as always, my messages are always open if you want to speak to me (my socials are linked above).