August

Heyyyy

I just want to begin thanking you all from the bottom of my heart, I was in such a rough space writing my previous post barely able to move and not eating due to my food poisoning. My depression has also flared recently, which actually for the first time shocked me. I lowkey don’t really understand where I’m at in my life, I’ve been so stressed packing I forgot why I was moving in the first place; this is a fresh start. This is the first time in my life I am choosing against my heart, this is the biggest risk I’ve ever made, and I pray it works out. 

Today marks a series I want to attempt on here, I want to monthly (around the same time) do a recap and a checklist for the remainder of the month. Finding and striving towards goals is ultimately the only thing that will keep me going through what is essentially going to be a life-altering year for me. A journey which I hope you all come along with me on, I expect it’s going to be a wild ride.

I entered August in Vårdo, an area of the Åland Islands off of Finland, around my family and honestly, I don’t think there’s a way to describe/explain how important those weeks away were to me. Coming home was like having my windpipe being suffocated once again, I was claustrophobic again. There is no better telling of what triggers my low moods and depression other than the feeling I have surrounding being back in London. Though my friends and family are all here, my trauma comes from here; and unfortunately, I can’t balance the bad with the good.

I began dieting, I never thought I’d actually manage to go on this diet but though I haven’t been perfectly sticking to it (especially as I had food poisoning the majority of last week) I can already feel the benefits of looking after my health more. I’ve also noticed my tolerance for how much food I can eat in a day has dramatically fallen meaning where I was usually able to eat 4 meals a day it’s turned to 1 maybe 2. I promise I am being healthy despite this, however. I aim to continue the diet and then follow through with beginning to work-out. 

Friends. I am continuously thankful for my friends. I’ve managed to see my two best friends from home and genuinely I didn’t realise how amazing it would feel to just be in their presence again after all these months of facetimes and occasional texts. I miss my friends from Plymouth an awful lot and though I thought it would excite me the concept of looking at possible dates to visit the fact is the world currently isn’t easy to have future plans or endeavours meaning I don’t know when I’m going to see them but it’s been five months and one day which is heartbreakingly long. 

Boys. I am happy. I am single and genuinely do not need a boy in my life. August has been such a blessing, I realised I had feelings for someone who I definitely shouldn’t have and as the month has continued, I’ve distanced saving myself any future stress or heartbreak. I’m also moving across the country in a month, so boys are completely out of question currently. 

Future. I don’t know what I will do after this year. We are currently in a recession, the second of my short twenty-one years of life so looking forward to career hunting is completely out of the picture. I give it till October latest and I will be down to my elbow in applications trying to give myself the best shot of a future. Aside from jobs, I’m sorting my health out slowly. I have looked at areas I am looking at moving to after my postgraduate and am looking forward to a new fresh start in life. 

I wake up every day around seven in the morning, I spend my day crying or beaming with joy, I speak to my friends and spend time with my family. I online shop, I cook and clean. I thank myself daily because I am still alive. 2020 may have been a terrible year but maybe this was the time I needed to learn who I was and find the blessings I deserve in life. August 2020 you have so far been the most anxiety-fuelling month whilst also being the happiest month I have had as far back as I remember. I look forward to writing September just after I have moved into Carlisle.

I am so sorry this post isn’t my usual, but I am drained from packing and also a bit tipsy after having a few drinks at lunch today. I hope to write a proper post soon but as I am in for blood tests tomorrow and sorting things out, I don’t know whether I’ll have time this week.

THANK YOUUUU BYEEE

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