I’m currently writing this from my depression pit which I’ve built up at home for a bit of privacy; I’ve been dealing with a bout of food poisoning which is slowly draining all my energy. I spent the whole of Wednesday in pain crying hardly moving, a real highlight being having to get my sister to pop some paracetamol out of the packet as I was too weak to do so myself. I’ve never had food poisoning before so I’m not sure how to cope and upon realising I could feel like this for up to a week I realised I’m just going to have to firm it and carry on with life.
Anyway, enough with my current issues. I have a condition called PCOS, for those who don’t know what that stands for it is poly-cystic ovary syndrome. There are 3 main features of PCOS; irregular periods, excess male hormones and polycystic ovaries. Some symptoms include but are not limited to; irregular periods, infertility/difficulty to get pregnant, excessive hair growth, weight gain, etc. When I first got diagnosed at 19 my brain fixated on the infertility, I was heartbroken. I didn’t even think about anything else; it wasn’t till this year where I really started noticing things.
After my bout with anorexia I promised myself I’d remain a healthy weight for the rest of my life. I’ve fluctuated in body image over the years, I’ve been on the verge of a completely flat stomach to where I am now which is definitely the heaviest and biggest, I’ve been. The below images (left to right: May 2016, September 2017 and January 2020) showing the difference between those:
I know that with age comes weight gain, I know that it is normal for someone to gain weight at university and especially with the amount of takeaway and cheesy chips I consumed it was inevitable. It still hurt though; within 10 years I went from being unhealthily underweight to what I can only describe as a beached whale. I stopped being able to fit into a size 14 let alone a size 12 and found myself breaking down when size 16 dresses wouldn’t go over my chest. So yeah, my biggest nightmare finally revealed, I buy between a size 16 and 18 top, dresses and skirts, and 14 long jeans. I’m so embarrassed of that.
I always aspired to be some size 8 queen, but with my bust size and thigh size that’s impossible. I don’t want to pretend that I still wouldn’t love to be a size 8 but I know it is unattainable. My body wasn’t built for that size, I can pose for pictures in a way which will make me look size 8 but the reality is I’m nowhere near. I don’t like my body and I sure as hell don’t love it. So, in all honesty I can’t spew body positivity about myself because that’s a lie.
HIIT workouts, running, etc. all of this wasn’t working. I was just exhausted and felt myself at the same weight, still drained with hatred over myself. So, I did my research and worked out I needed to start doing low-weighted, low-impact exercise and so when I move up to Carlisle, I hope that I will go on this journey to body positivity. It’s not all exercise though, I need to make some healthy diet changes. A gluten-free, dairy-free, carb free diet is the best for PCOS; if you know me you will know how much I rely on pasta and chips, so this is going to be draining.
I began my diet last Friday and apart from a few ice creams (it was so hot; I couldn’t help myself) I was doing amazingly. I would count my calories, something which I thought would trigger my past self, but it hasn’t so far, and be proud of how my meals would come together. Then I got food poisoning. My diet over the last three days has consisted of very small portions of carbs with some fruit to snack on and a ridiculous amount of liquid. I know that this is affecting the hard work I put in but at the same time I’m getting about two hours sleep at the moment due to the pain and I haven’t eaten a full meal yet since Tuesday dinner. When the symptoms relieve themselves, I’ll be back to my basically all vegetable diet, hopefully in time for Sunday as I was going to make a carb-free roast (major sad faces if I can’t). My whole family is on this journey alongside me and despite it being specific to my health the support for all the meals I’ve prepared from them has been incredible.
My PCOS may affect me from getting pregnant. It may mean I have extra hair growth. But I will not allow it to take control of my body, I will be healthy again and I will be happy with my figure again. I promise myself that. If anyone has any questions about PCOS (I do plan on writing another post soon about it) or dieting post eating disorder, please do message me. I’m obviously not a professional but I have several tips especially for those with PCOS. In the meantime I have begun an Instagram to log my lifestyle, diet and exercise journey it is @emilypcosjourney ; I haven’t posted much as I have been quite ill but I’m hoping I will over time, if you wish to follow you can. I hope to be sorting out another post very soon but next week I’m moving my stuff up north and due to being ill this week packing didn’t happen so next week it is essential to do so. I’ll try and see you guys soon though!!
Thank you!! Byeeee
More than a Diagnosis 