I was having a conversation with a mate of mine recently about last year, for both of us it was the worst year of our lives so far. Recalling some pretty dark moments and feelings I noticed things I hadn’t really paid attention to before. My friends were everything to me last year, I was falling apart daily and without them I wouldn’t have gotten through half of what I did. Though I am sure they know all of this, this post is dedicated to you guys.
I’m not a very easy person to get along with, to be friends with or to live with, I am emotionally unstable, and I have a lot of unpacked trauma which I am constantly triggered by. So, to have the friends I have and for some of them to be decade long friendships shows truly how amazing they are. I don’t open up much, and even the base-level are enough to make people leave. I am very sensitive; I get lonely and I feel terrible almost constantly. Whilst being comfortable alone I am a needy person. I do stupid stuff knowing it’s wrong and get upset when it does, I don’t make things easy for people.
My best friend and I have known each other since day one of secondary school, she is the complete opposite of me. Honestly, I can’t believe we are friends most the time, she is the most upbeat loveable person I’ve ever met. She lights up my life, and apart from eating out (she’s a PICKY vegan, it’s a nightmare to find somewhere to eat) she is flawless. We were destined to be friends, we ground each other and there’s no one I would rather go to for a gossip and a glass of wine. Her family became my family and I know they will always welcome me with open arms, no matter how hungover I turn up at the front door. I was blessed the day I met her, and I hope I never lose her, truly my favourite ray of sunshine. (She also set fire to a table in Biology A Level in what I expect was her way of seeing if we were truly death do us part friends- she’s an idiot. I love her but she’s an idiot.)
Another almost 10-year friendship, started a bit different. Met at secondary school and only truly became friends as he ‘was concerned over me getting lunch with a broken foot’. I later found out he wanted early lunch and therefore forced himself into being friends with me. Years later, many breakfasts together and laughs we ended up an hour away from each other for university. I’m a pessimist, so when he used to tell people he knew we’d remain friends after school I used to roll my eyes. I was so wrong, many trips to Exeter and TWO RETURNS TO PLYMOUTH and he was definitely the person I stayed the closest to since school. Though our friendship started as a con I’m sure I’ll get my own back when he finds out I’m only staying friends with him for his cooking/baking.
I was always sceptical of the ‘you meet your best friends at university’ I was so wrong. I met some incredible people throughout university, many of which I still like to check up on and watch them thrive like they truly deserve. Second year two flashes of light entered my life, there’s so many good memories and so many bad. The two years I spent with those two girls living together are some of my greatest memories and to be honest if I had to redo all the pain of my final two years just to get more time living with them I would. All those drunken memories, all those late-night Mario nights and all those morning-after memories. Andy Bernard from the Office US said ‘I wish there was a way you knew you were in the good old days before you actually left them’; my favourite thing is after reflecting over lockdown I missed out so badly. Those were my good old days and I took for granted they’d always be there and now I’m moving to the other side of England. You both make me so proud on the daily, the love and strength you both have is incredible and no matter where life takes us, I hope we always stay a trio.
Now a little bit different, I have a lot of friends who I barely speak to, but I know they have my back. I have a lot of friends who are no longer friends that I have a lot of love for. To one of those, she knows who she is- she got me through nine years of my life, and I am eternally grateful for that friendship because I wouldn’t be the strong woman, I am now had she not entered my life. I have so much respect for everyone who entered my life and stuck along as I grew and learnt who I was. I was not an easy person to be friends with, I’m still not. But for those who stuck around I hope that I’m not a regret of yours because you definitely aren’t for me.
My family means an awful lot to me, but I wasn’t open with my family from the start. My friends however, they took every step of the journey with me. Every single step. I truly cannot explain how important friendship is to me because at some of my lowest points my friends were the only thing that kept me here. I didn’t want to do such a soppy thing but at the same I couldn’t let this blog carry on without mentioning the real magic behind me. They are the reason I am confident enough to do this blog, they are my everything. I promise the next post will be on something less soppy, anyway I’m going to stop writing now as I am crying a bit too much.
Thank you.
More than a Diagnosis 