I’m so sorry this has taken me so long; between doing some university shopping and getting back into this new state of normality I’ve been having some terrible low moods. This has led to a lack of motivation and I am truly struggling to do much without feeling exhausted, I hope that this feeling is temporary and that I am on my way to better moods, but I can’t guarantee that feeling.
I actually began writing a post yesterday on regrets, however I found writing about them heightened my sadness and I just found myself moving about so perhaps there’s a better time to speak about that. I find sacrifice is a better way to describe my adolescent years, in a wide overview I sacrificed my youth to mental health. I hope the following explains why I feel that way.
Family. I didn’t tell my family about any of my problems till I was 19, now I know that the reaction would’ve been so supporting but back then I didn’t. I had such a good growing up because I had a supportive family but still, I found the negatives, my anxiety would double cross me, and I would feel as though I was the disappointment of the family etc. Obviously, I couldn’t help feeling like this, but I can’t help but think what if I’d told the truth. Maybe I would’ve had less pressure on my shoulders, and I wouldn’t have resorted to some of the terrible things I did. I am truly so lucky to have the family I have, and I know some people aren’t as lucky, I truly wish everyone the best of luck and love when it comes to speaking to family about mental health. It can truly make or break you. I don’t actually know if this is a sacrifice, but I feel like I did sacrifice a better relationship with my family. I definitely took for granted the love they gave me, and I wish I could get those years back.
Love. Those who know me well will know I am a commitment-phobe. I’ve had relationships that have broken me, and that sort of trauma is indescribable. There’s been times when things have been going well and my mental health has become an issue for either me or him. One of the greatest sacrifices of having my mental health is never knowing if someone will stick around. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but I know in many cases my mental health has been the cause of deterioration. I am happily single; I truly mean that. I like myself enough that if I am alone for the rest of my life, I accept that. I just wish my mental health hadn’t been the cause of people leaving me. I sacrificed falling in love when I got diagnosed.
Friendship. I’m not the same person I was 10 years ago. Even 2 years ago. I have grown, I have lost, and I have changed. Losing friends is the hardest part of my life because I fight for my friendships. My friend was telling me about something the other day; when people begin to lose their relationships, they fight and fight, but they never fight for their friendships. It just becomes lost. Maybe the fact I’m single and have been for several years is why friendships are so important to me, but if I’ve stopped being friends with someone it is for a good reason. I know my mental health is a lot, I never put it on other people. If it feels that way it’s because you’ve taken it on your shoulders, I wouldn’t want anyone to live in my shoes for a day and feel life how I feel it. I sacrificed good friendships for my mental health, to all those people I’m sorry you couldn’t stick around because one day you will regret that.
When I planned this, I wrote time and my youth to be headings. I think it’s the same to be honest. A 10-year-old shouldn’t be starving. A 14-year-old shouldn’t be suicidal. A 19-year-old shouldn’t have mourned the death of 7 friends. A 21-year-old shouldn’t be mourning the idea of having children being ripped from them. But here I am. I sacrificed my youth & my time to finding the motivation to stay alive. If fate hadn’t played a part, I don’t think I’d be alive right now. I shouldn’t look back on my childhood and be crying my eyes out as I lost it all to mental health. I can’t remember a time I was happy. I can’t remember a time where I loved myself. I sacrificed everything in my life to feel this way.
And yet I am so grateful. I watched some terrible things happen to both me and those around me. I cried and cried. I took my body through hell and back, I took my head through hell and back to get to now. I sacrificed the first 21 and a half years of my life to be happy now. I am so happy I’m alive. I am so happy I am here today. I have rough days. I have rough months. But wow I am so happy to be alive. Sometimes self-reflection forces unwanted feelings to resurface and that’s definitely what happened yesterday, but honestly, I am in the greatest place I could be right now. I am so grateful for being alive.
The next post will be up very soon I promise. Also, I got my nails done on Monday and they are so long I was really struggling to type on my laptop and had to move to my phone notes so that could really slow the writing of my posts. I hope you are all being safe and living life.